Thursday, April 29, 2010

Reading and Writing





I'm trying to write every day.
When I'm not writing, I'm reading.
I highly recommend checking out www.thenervousbreakdown.com
Some of the best stuff I've ever read and I love incorporating it into my every day.

I also read Stephen King's "On Writing" and a lot of Bukowski.

Other writer friends have been writing a lot too so I've been reading their stuff

The creative bug is in the air, maybe?

It's probably a good time to want to be holed up in front of a computer screen or hunched over a notebook....scribbling out stuff....thinking it's all crap....

But anyways, yeah....now's a good time....it's going to be hot as hell soon.

I heard rumors of it getting in the 90s this weekend.

Curse you, Florida.

Ok, here's some new stuff I've been working on.

I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so bear with me.

"Sensory Overload: Sometimes it's Ok"

Is it bad that I’d like to say “take your inspiration and choke on it”?
I search and search with no avail
And I grow envious as I see you revel in it
Glorious words flow down on your pages like moonbeams from some great cosmic source
And I sit, staring
At black and white and grey
A nothingness I can’t escape from

"Blue Oyster Cult Morning"

It was a Blue Osyter Cult morning
headlines screamed of nonsense and suicides
everyone in the world was on the remedy
those pills your mother gave you really did do something this time

My room has no clocks because I don't want to know
how each moment keeps passing by so quickly
I'd have no lights too if I didn't like to read so much
those books that I've collected remind me that I'm alive

I used to be a breakfast person but now a cigarette replaces my first meal
for lunch I eat my own words and throw them up onto pages
my bathtub is my safe haven and Led Zeppelin, The Beatles and Jim Morrison accompany me
those guys knew there was magic beyond the way things really were

The stars come out to play and I hide from them
they remind me of the eyes I feel are always on me
watching me as I accomplish nothing and filling me with guilt
those who told me that dreams and hopes were wasteful might just be right


"Want"

I want you
to stop talking
to kiss the chapstick
off of my lips
to say what you really
mean and what you
really feel
for once
just once.

I want you
to quit doubting yourself
your looks
your hair
what you should do
what you shouldn't
and stop asking me
because I don't want
to admit that you're
wonderful.


.eye contact.

I caught you
stealing
a glance
that spelled
out eternity
and in one
.breath.
I fell
in love
and then
we both
looked
away
.unnoticed.
by everyone
else


"Girls"

Treacherous storms
That's what we are
Us girls
Us females
We fill our time
With needless pressures
We want our noses smaller
Our breasts bigger
Our skin darker
Our skin paler
Our hair straight
Our hair curly
Our voices heard

We give up comfort for style
We give up self respect for surgery
We knick ourselves shaving
We get high off of chemical hair dyes and perfumes
We get lost in fashion magazines
We curse our waistlines
We curse our flaws
We curse each other

But then we learn that guys just don't care about any of that
And it really doesn't seem fair


"The Fortune Teller"

The room was tight and cramped
Muskrats and earwax with a tint of incense
lingered in the air
She made me a cup of tea and wanted me to stay awhile
I saw no crystal ball yet she claimed to know the future
She said she saw it in the tea
Her hair was wavy
Her eyes were way too old
I wanted to know about dying
She didn't know the answer
I wanted to know about love
She looked the other way
"Your future"
she finally said while filling my cup again
"Will always lie in the questions you ask in the present."
She said nothing more until our teacups were empty
"That will be forty bucks, dear"
without missing a single beat


"Remember"

Remember that time
we walked around downtown
and stopped and looked over
the bridge
and the smell of roses was lingering
in the air
and then we got flashed
by that car full of rednecks
That girl's breasts were
just flopping in the wind
and we just stared
and called it
a night


"Dust"

this rose on my desk is dying
but it reminds me that I must keep living
without you
when all the petals fall
I'll collect them
and mail them to you
By the time they get there
they'll be dust
and you'll sweep that up too
and then empty it out
into the trash



It'll get better. And easier.

If I just believe.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Omg....Shoes

It's Saturday.

I haven't had one of those days where I just sit and write about whatever's on my mind in awhile.

Today is one of those days.

I remember my old blogs.

I used to keep up with them.

They were full of randomness.

So, for today, bring on the random.

These days bring on the anything will suffice.

****

I got out of the house this week!

Not just like a quick trip to the BP for smokes or to McDonald's for a burger that I probably shouldn't be eating anyway.

My friend came and picked me up.

I'm going to leave his name out because he'll probably get mad at me.

So it was like 10:30 in the morning when all this went down.

I'm pretty nocturnal these days and the fact that I was up at that time and not just falling asleep at that time was pretty amazing.

The same for him.

He's a weirdo too.

I didn't believe him when he said he was on his way because anytime he's "on his way" it usually means at least an hour or so will go by before he arrives.

I just sat down to eat my bagel and cream cheese in peace and there he was.

"For real?" I was shocked.

"What? I said I was leaving in a minute."

So I scarfed down the bagel and we were on our way.

I had my "rock star in recovery" sunglasses on.

I've been using that way too much but it was so funny when the same friend said it that it stuck with me.

It was a few days earlier.

I had a bad migraine.

He came over to visit us and I was laying in bed with my sunglasses on.

"Do the lights bother you that much?" He asked.

"Yes." I tried to hide the fact that I was tired of being asked that question since I started doing this when my migraines got bad.

This was my first really bad "the lights are too bright" migraine I'd had since I'd been back in Florida so it was overwhelming too.

He giggled and said, "You look like a rock star in recovery."





I couldn't stop laughing about it.

It got my mind off of the migraine.

I am also easily amused.

****


"We're like mall walkers, dude." I said.

"What?" He was always so distracted. Either that or I mumble. Or he has a hearing problem.

"Mall walkers. We get up at 10 am and go to the mall for exercise."

I don't know what he said then.

We probably talked about a whole lot of nothing.

We usually do.

I texted my friend Meghan to see if she was working at Starbucks but she wasn't.

I mentioned in the text that I felt like a mall walker.

She responded with a series of mall walker jokes including how when we were older we should have a mall walker gang called The Devil's Walkers and pimp out our walkers or wheelchairs with skulls and wear headbands.

I laughed hysterically.

Easily amused.

****

"So what about these ones? Do these look good?"

He was asking me about shoes.

I love shoes.

But he was asking me about shoes for him.

"Yeah those are cool. But do you like them?"

This was often how things went with us.

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Where should we eat?"

"What do you want to eat?"

We spend way too much time talking about what we're going to do and deciding what we should do based on what the other person wants that it's a wonder we ever do anything.

Weirdos of a feather....

"I guess. What do you think?" He was impossible.

"Well, put them on and see how they feel and stuff."

He didn't seem like he wanted to do that.

He moves to another pair. "What about these?"

I'm starting to feel like a robot. "Yeah those are cool. But do you like them?"

"Girls are supposed to help with this stuff." He was getting aggravated.

Then it dawned on me.

Yes. Girls loved shoes.

Well, I loved shoes anyway.

But I loved shoes for me.

When you went shoe shopping with your girlfriends and they asked if a pair was cute you said yes because you wanted them for yourself.

You said no if they really weren't your style.

Shoe shopping was a selfish event.





I looked around and realized I had absolutely no interest in guy shoes whatsoever.

I'd never wear them so what did I care?

"Just put them on!"

I sat down on one of those little whatever they're called things in the aisles of shoe stores. The things with mirrors on the bottoms so you can see your shoes in them.

You know what I'm talking about.

So he did reluctantly.

See, I think that might also be a difference when it comes to shoe shopping with guys and shoe shopping with girls.

Girls want to try them on.

Who wants to end up buying a hideous pair of shoes or worse yet an uncomfortable and hideous pair of shoes?

(Slight discomfort is acceptable if the shoes are really cute.)

Guys just want to go into a store and pick something up and it will all work out ok.

I couldn't tell if they just didn't have patience for trying things on or were just too lazy to care about it.

Then I thought maybe guys are afraid to spend too much time on appearance because that might look uncool.

I remembered my boyfriend, Mike, telling me the night before, "I don't care about appearances."

But then when he went on a late night run to get some cigarettes he put his jeans on instead of going in his flannel pajama pants.

I pointed it out.

"I don't want people looking at me weird!" He exclaimed.

I repeated what he said earlier.

He didn't say anything.

I go out in penguin pajamas and Hello Kitty pajamas all the time.

It's no big deal to me.

But only to like the store or something and usually only late at night.

I'm weird about appearances.

I don't care really.

But if I'm going out somewhere or people might be coming over I try to make an effort.

Where is the line between "care" and "not caring"? And is there a difference between the sexes?

But I digress....

****

My friend settled on a pair of shoes which I actually thought were pretty cool looking.

Then we decided to hit up the book store.

I ran into my high school drama teacher, Mr. Sievert, there.

I love that guy.

He seemed depressed.

Every time I've run into him throughout the years he seems depressed.

He usuallly admits it too.

I recommended Brad Listi and Gabe Rotter to him.

The store didn't have either of the books though so I told him I got mine at Borders.

We had awkward conversation and I ended up taking off because I realized my friend was blowing up my phone and plus his wife was in the store and she's hated me since I was a student for some weird reason.

I guess she was like that with all female students.

So I find my friend and then we're in the parking lot smoking cigarettes and deciding where to go for food.

He started talking about when he was 18-19 and how having ten bucks in your pocket was like the best thing ever.

I mentioned how awesome things were back then.

When going to the mall was cool.

When you got out of the house every day.

We pretty much became self defeatists for about five minutes.

"My aunt says you shouldn't focus on who you were or what you once did," I said. "But you should concentrate on who you are now and what's in front of you."

"But is it bad to think about things?" he asked.

"No. But I think dwelling on the past is kind of useless ya know?"

"Let's go to A & W!" he said.

More good food that made you feel gross later.

But the thought of a root beer float amused me so I forgot about everything and happily agreed.