Monday, October 4, 2010

Some Musings on Autumn

The internet is out. That's not why I'm writing though. It may be the motivation I needed to finally write but thoughts have (as per usual) been spinning around my head these days.

I long to mold them into something creative but seem to be lacking in that department of my brain at this time. I no longer feel guilty or beat myself up over this. I have learned that I will write when I am supposed to. After all, I do it for me.

The reason for these thoughts, these feelings I should say--like electricity that you can breathe with every wisp of fresh air--is the change in season. Cool weather has arrived early here in Sunny Florida and even though no one knows how long it will last I'm soaking up everything it has to offer.

I haven't been very mobile recently due to pain but today I walked a bit around Sims Park and it felt marvelous. Just sitting and looking at the trees, hearing children play, watching ripples in the water, seeing the sun cast shadows through branches and being in the moment: right where I needed to be.

For the past month I've been in what a friend of mine would call "the dark place". Some call it "emo". Some call it "depression". Some call it "a case of the blues". Whatever it is for you, you know what space deep inside yourself that I'm talking about.

This time around (because life is full of ups and downs...look around...we're ALL Bi-Polar) I learned that it's ok to allow yourself to enter that dark place and often times it is necessary to your well-being. Denying yourself an opportunity to let something(s) go is only going to make it worse the second time around.

Now that I'm crawling toward the light above this dark space, I'm getting that "familiar fall feeling" again. So many memories come back to me that I feel I've had a million autumns in my lifetime.

Back when raking leaves was fun because there was nothing that could compare to the feeling of jumping into the huge piles of them. Trick or Treating with the cousins on Halloween. Windbreakers, hot apple cider and hay rides. The good ole days. Simple joys.
Growing up, Fall always became a time of change. A new year of high school. A new group of friends. A new crush.

Eventually love.

Falling in love in Autumn is like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm so lucky that it was the person who life brought me back to again years later. Today's walk in the park was the first of this year's Autumn memories for us and with more future fun events coming up I know there will be more.

So I'm feeling creative these days and I hope to produce some poems. I've got Ted and Sylvia reading to me before bedtime to inspire my dreams. (Although last night I had a terrible nightmare about all of my friends and family trying to kill me. It was awful. I managed to escape them but ended up in a room with only my boyfriend and he had a huge knife ready to plunge down into me. I feel it may be my subconscious feeling of being a burden to my family and friends and that they feel I'd be "better off dead." That's next on my list of things to work on!)

Such a morbid ending. Happy Halloween!

P.S.- I promise poems and better things to read other than my randomness coming soon!

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