Sunday, August 1, 2010


Get it?

Like "emo mode"?

I think it's funny.

So, I've been thinking a lot today.

Crying a lot today.

Journaling a lot today.

I don't publicize details anymore.

I stopped that back when I quit Blurty.

And even on the Windwood and other Myspace blogs I never gave too much away.

No one really cares about what dramas you got going on anyway.

I know I typically don't care unless they're a close friend of mine and it's something really serious.

Then again, even the not so serious stuff ("this guy/girl did this to me" "she/he said this, can you believe it?") I'll still lend an ear for and offer a bit of advice if I can.

Usually it involves something along the lines of: It sucks. I know. But it'll pass. Trust me.

Ahh, advice.

It's so easy to give but so hard to take.

I've been hearing it all day.

"It'll pass."

"It's ok."

"Aww, don't be upset."

Maybe it won't pass?

No, it's not ok.

And I'm upset.

I have a pretty good reason.

And I would advise anyone else to get out whatever they need to get out (safely) however they need to get it out.

For me, it's tears.

I'm killing trees today, ladies and gentlemen.

This box has a huge dent.

I'm noticing discussions on Facebook and the real world. (Yes, there still IS one!)

"Where are all the nice girls/guys?"

"I'm tired of games...etc."

*insert song lyric or status update that's totally aimed at YOU...yeah YOU*

(You know that passive aggressive stuff that the majority of us do just to see if the other person notices so that they know EXACTLY how you feel....yeah? *raises hand* Guilty.)

Lately I've been depressed by all of this because of situations in my life.

I am no longer with my boyfriend, Mike, anymore.

Everyone knows by now.

We have reasons.

We're best friends and it's not changing.

He's still the greatest guy ever even if he's not the greatest guy for me.

I feel guilty a lot.

I know I shouldn't.

He takes care of me....he picks me up off of the floor when I have seizures....he sits with me while I vomit....all that nasty "being sick" stuff that I go through on an almost daily basis, he's right there.

And I will forever be thankful and will never be able to repay him for as long as a live.

But the thing about Mike is...he doesn't WANT payment.

But anyways...I'm digressing.

Mike is just awesome.

You should all know.


Depressing things:

1. I have a tendency to want what I can't have
2. I feel my sickness gets in the way of personal relationships and I really doubt I will ever find someone again
3. I feel I was played recently
4. I feel a friendship I value is ruined

(1,3 and 4 are related)

But the most depressing thing of all, probably, is that I constantly see "all the lonely people" complaining and saying terrible things about the opposite sex assuming that "they're all the same."

Situations may be the same.

What just happened to me recently is so close to soo many scenarios that have happened in the past but the only constant in them is me.

So, it must be me, right?

I can't figure out what it is though.

I don't want to be egotistical...but I think I'm pretty great.

I love myself. :)

I think that everyone should.

(Love themselves that is...loving me is awesome too...makes me sad when people don't like me...especially when they have no reason...but...that's another post.)

After I found out how serious my medical situation was and how things would change for me one of the decisions I made was that I would not get into a relationship ever again.

I didn't want to put someone through that.

I didn't want to tell a guy I met..."So, yeah...I can't drive, I'm in constant pain so sex is going to be pretty non existent, I'll seize out sporadically and I often drool on myself during that process...I can't have children, oh and yeah I kinda don't even have a job or a home anymore."

See what I mean?

The biggest thing is the child factor.

I'm not sure if I medically can or not.

I know I wouldn't.

My insides couldn't handle something else floating around in there.

PKD pregnancies have a high risk for complications for mother and that whole possibility of passing this horrid disease onto a child (a coin flip) just doesn't sit well with me. So, it's a choice.

Adoption? Sounds great, potential future life partner.

But you'll be able to run around and pick them up and take care of them too, right?

See what I mean?

Guys don't want to admit it, but the majority of them want a family someday.

The white picket fence and nice wife to cook and clean.

The whole bloody shebang.

And at a time in my life I wanted that more than you could possibly know.

But it won't happen.

And that sucks.


I think the whole point of this was to just vent about how no matter how things go and who's meant to be with who and who's not the one thing I hold onto is hope.

Hope for everything.

That maybe someday there will be a guy who fits my bill and doesn't care about my situation.

That I'll get over the recent heartbreak in my life.

That they'll find a damn cure for this stuff.

And most of all, the hope that tomorrow will be there to enjoy.

I think about dipping out on this ride a lot.

But, nah.

The things I'd miss I value.



Good music.

Chair dancing.


Plus, who's blog would you read?


Alright, I'm out.

In closing, I'd like to say that not all girls are the same just like all guys aren't the same.

Take chances.

No fear.

Follow your heart.

And all that jazz.

Oh, and when in doubt, just cry it out!

(It works for me.)


  1. Blog post would have been better if the last 'a' in this sentence: "And all that jazz." had been an 'i'.