Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm Pretty Proud of Myself

Today, I did something pretty remarkable.

See, throughout life I've had this bad habit of blowing up and freaking out when things start to look like they may not work out.

Usually during these moments I end up saying something really stupid and having to apologize later for it.

I had a little test today.

And I only "half lost" it.

My mom and Grandpa kind of jumped the gun and booked Mike's ticket to fly here before considering how much a truck would be.

Turns out no one will rent one for less than a thousand bucks.

My Grandpa can't afford that right now so suggested that I fly back if I wanted to and that he would just get a moving truck next month to get my stuff back.

That was all fine and cool except I don't know how a plane ride is going to affect my seizures. I don't need to be freaking out or getting confused on a plane all alone.

So I wasn't sure how all of it was going to play out.

It was looking like the whole trip would get botched and I'd just have to wait longer.

Possibly even having to wait until after winter because it was going to be nerve wracking enough on Mike driving a truck that far. He's never done it before and he's never driven on ice or snow before so that would probably not have been the safest thing.

Well, I did freak out for a minute on my mother and things were brought up from the past when I was tripping out on Topamax.

All of what happened during that time is so unclear in my mind and like most families, there is drama in mine and I try to stay out of it but things tend to come up during tense moments.

Well....instead of flipping out further on my mom and causing a big hooplah I just calmed down, dried my eyes, and just focused on breathing and that everything would be ok.

No matter what happened everything would be ok.

An hour later my mother calls me and tells me that Mike and I are both going to fly out on Monday and then my Grandpa will get a moving truck to get my stuff later on.

I wanted to make sure it was cool with my aunt and uncle to leave my stuff there and was kind of worried that I hadn't cleared it first.

Well, I called Uncle Dennis and he said it was all ok and that Grandpa had already talked to them about it. Why my mother didn't just tell me that, I don't know haha But....it was just another one of those examples where things get all crazy and miscommunicated.

And instead of getting all crazy it all worked out.

My issue with everything during times like this is how I feel so useless and helpless at times.

I want to help and I want to make things right and not have to rely on others but in the past I have seriously hurt myself from pushing myself so hard.

I mean....I've been told by doctors to avoid the simplest things like bending.

I've popped cysts from overdoing it and the more I do that the bigger they will get.

So I just need to relax and know that people are helping me because they want to.

I'm not burdening anyone and just need to keep reminding myself of that.

My Uncle is constantly telling me: "Don't worry about the little shit. You have SO much more to be worried about."

And I try to listen and I try to take it all in and be cool.

And things always work out better.

So....I guess even though I did lose it a little bit I didn't go over the edge and I'm not sitting here feeling guilty for the situation I'm in.

That's seriously been the hardest part.

I used to just "get things done" ya know?

Do it all alone if I had to.

And now that I always need help and will pretty much need it for the rest of my life....it's taken some adjusting.

And I'm still adjusting.

And I won't lie.

As much as I want to be close to Mike, it will still be sad to leave everyone here.

I love my family and I love Mike and my friends in Florida too.

I wish there was a way to put everyone on the same block but life doesn't work that way.

I'm glad I came though.

And all I can do is hope I make it back someday.

And to keep in touch.

I think it's important and it's something that most people tend to forget about when someone moves away.

I got a call from my friend in Kentucky today.

As soon as I saw his name on the caller ID I was like "Woah...how did I forget about him?"

I guess he called a month ago during a seizure and was still waiting for my call back.

*sigh*

It's sad that I can't remember things like I used to.

But I will just have to set more alarms for myself lol

And write notes to myself and have others help me remember.

But the one thing I will never forget no matter what....is who loves me and who cares about me...and how much people have helped me get through all of this stuff.

I may not ever be able to repay them or thank them enough.

But just letting them know how much it all means to me is the best I can do.

So, we'll see what happens.

We'll see where life takes me next.

And if I just keep remembering to stay in the love....I'll make it just fine.

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