Thursday, December 3, 2009

Is it really December?

Man it's hot today.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit man!

I see the houses decorated, I catch a glimpse of a Christmas song, I hear about all the deals and "holiday specials" but it still just doesn't feel very Christmas-y.

It'll come though.

It always does.

****

Spent some time with friends and family recently.

Had a Rock Band party at Sherry's and it was a lot of fun.

I did a terrible impression of the lead singer of AC DC and had everyone dying with laughter.

It reminded me of the time I was impersonating the lead singer of Guns N Roses and singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to Nick.

I miss that dude.

Where the heck is he?

Meghan has been visiting a lot. And Lori and the Rossis and our new friend Chris.

He's a friend of David's but he moved just down the street from us so he comes and hangs out and usually brings beer.

Gotta love a friend with beer.

Went to Applebee's again with the gang.

Mariposa and Nicole from Starbucks were there.

I love those gals.

****

Oh so I saw New Moon.

I gotta tell you I was kinda disappointed.

I knew by the trailer that it wasn't going to be that great but I guess I just expected something different.

It's not even so much in the acting and how certain things were left out etc.

It just didn't LOOK right.

The makeup this round was terrible.

I thought my Cullens looked more human in the first movie.

And pictured them not looking as "dead" (or "undead"?) as they did in New Moon when I read the books.

The Volturi scene was pretty cool.

I can't wait for Eclipse.

They better not leave important background info out and they better make the Volturi more awesome.

Those are my rules.

:)

****

Do you ever feel disconnected?

Like, from everything?

I've been journaling about this a lot lately.

Feeling like I'm in some kind of snowglobe just that far away from the world outside of it.

I can still talk with people.

I just don't feel I connect like I used to.

I find it hard even to plug into myself.

I kinda feel like I just go through these motions day after day.

Get up.

Play Bejeweled.

Eat.

Shower.

Listen to music.

Maybe watch something.

Read.

Occasionally (wish I could do more) write something.

Sleep.

I'm not unhappy though.

I'm just kind of....here.

****

I'm reading Lolita right now and it's very very interesting.

It's disgusting.

But somehow you feel for the pedophile guy.

And also makes you wonder about that whole "age is nothing but a number" idea.

It's written in amazing prose. I love prose. I know....I know....

Sue me.

I mentioned it just because I typically enjoy prose-y books.

Anyway, it's a good book.

I kind of know where it might be going but it could turn out to be just one of those "diary of a madman" type of things where it's all in his head.

We'll see.

Oh, man I have to read the last two chapters of Robert's manuscript.

He's writing a novel.

Good luck to you, man.

:)

I dig it so far.

I think it could make a good movie.

Just gotta see how it ends.

So I guess today's a "get to the ending" kinda day.

Finish something you started.

Once you find the end of something you often find the beginning of something new.

Hmm....

I like that.



Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thank you, thank you silence




Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Already.

It's blowing my mind that it feels like last Turkey Day was just yesterday.

Things have changed a lot since last year.

And that's ok.

Even when things change you can often look around and see how some things still remain the same.

I can think of a ton of things I'm thankful for.

The biggest being that I am still here to experience what every new days brings.

I am thankful for the people in my life.

I am thankful that no matter how far away you are or how long it's been since you've seen someone you can still pick up where you left off.

I am thankful for laughter and for those who make me laugh.

I am thankful for a place to sleep and food to eat.

For random phone calls from whoever on a bad day.

I am thankful for emails and letters reminding me to keep going.

I am thankful that people still get together in the name of friendship and grilled hamburgers and it's a good time no matter what's going on.

I am thankful that even though it seems like everyone's going through bad times there are still people helping each other out.

I am thankful for my family. I am happy I got to spend time in Michigan and Wisconsin with them.

I am thankful for being able to remember the good times and moments surrounding those who are no longer with us.

I am thankful for good music and good books.

I am thankful for understanding. Even though people may not be able to fully relate to my daily struggles, they still give me room to breathe and cope and still offer hands to hold and shoulders if I need to cry on them.

I am thankful that I have gotten a better grip on things and can move forward with everything instead of feeling like all is lost.

I am thankful for love.


So....what are you thankful for?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let's Go Fly a Kite



I've been having a lot of crazy dreams lately and when I wake up I can only remember bits and pieces of them. And they usually are the crazy parts. What's even stranger than that is that often times I will remember a snippet of the dreams when I see something in waking life like the next day and stop and stare and go "Woah."

I was with Meghan at the beach the other day.

We were filming for her film class and I think it will come out really nice.

On the way home I looked over and saw a red and blue kite flying somewhere in the distance.

I remembered a dream.

My friend Ryan and I flying kites.

But it was in a world where that was all there was to do.

Maybe some kind of weird heaven or something.

I think it would be cool to make a kite.

Maybe we can make it fly?

****

So last night I have these series of dreams and I know my Grandpa was in like all of them.

In one of them he had his legs again and we were at a bar.

The weird thing was he was already drunk and trying to act like he wasn't so someone would serve him another drink.

I just remember following him around and taking a sip of some whiskey drink when we finally got some and thinking it tasted really strong.

I think I've talked about this before.

But sometimes....because my vision gets weird either before or during seizures....I'm not sure if something I did see was real or a dream.

I did see the beach.

I saw the waves.

But I remember greens in places that green didn't belong.

****

The other night was the Leonid meteor shower and Mike and I saw some.

He said the next day he was pretty sure we saw 11 total.

I can only remember about 4 of them.

But it was cool.



Someday I'll get to an area where I can see a meteor shower that looks like that.

The Perseid one is coming up in December.

I hear it's supposed to be huge.

****

A lot of things are coming up.

New Moon premieres on Friday.

I'm not sure if I'm going to go see it that day or not.

It depends on people and plans and stuff.

Ryan once again said he'd come visit sometime this weekend.

Then the movie thing.

Then on one of these days Jackie is supposed to be making dinner.

That's in Clearwater.

Jackie is one of Mike and Billy's old co workers and she's really cool from what I've known of her online presence.

Ryland is supposed to be there too and another girl named Jessica that I saw in a video Mike made of him and a bunch of people drinking mixed drinks out of giant fish bowls.

Yes, it was funny.

****

I'm still coughing this cold out.

Sloowwwllly but surreellllyyy I think all the nastiness is dissipating.

I'm glad because it's starting to make me miserable.

Ok....no....it's continuing to make me miserable.

And I don't want to be anymore.

****

Bob Dylan is singing right now.

I'm drinking iced tea.

It's still too hot to be November.

I think Meghan is supposed to come over and take more photos.

I'm having writers block again.

I should write about hope.

People keep talking about it lately.

I think hope can quickly turn into expectations if we aren't careful.

I think we should focus more on gratitude and what we have right in front of us.

Or maybe it's just the question of what we have hope for....

We shouldn't hope for futures that might not exist....or is that pessimistic?

Maybe it's just....realistic?

I always get confused with those labels.

Maybe that's the whole point.

Let's not label for a whole day.

Let's just be.

Be what?

Whatever we want to be.

And let's be ok with that.

And in the meantime....send me some cool photos....

I need inspiration desperately.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Overexposure in Hudson, Florida



Get it? There's just not really any fear here. At least not that I'm feeling.

I had a mini epiphany in the shower. "I must blog," I said.

My mind was just drifting and I started thinking about the places I've been over the past few months. The people I've seen, the places I've crashed at, chilled for a bit. Whatever.

I was thinking about how free it felt to not really have a permanent home. I mean, I always have a place to stay....always. Whether it's here, in Michigan, hell even in Wisconsin and I bet other places that I might not have even visited yet. How sometimes, after all I've gone through, that I'm so overwhelmed with bullshit that I can't even see and appreciate how many homies I really have and how they're hooking me up.

As for overexposure?

I swear, there is something about Florida that's just something you've never experienced unless you've lived here. Especially in this, the Tampa Bay area. This place feels lazy. But not like in a bad way. It's more of a mellow, carefree "whatever" feeling. You're not really motivated to do much more than just sit back and relax when it's usually pretty sweltering outside. Things just don't grow like they do in other places I've been.

It's a place you don't want to get stuck in though. I think others will agree.

It's a cool place for me to have spent my teenage years and now my twenties. I don't feel like it's the place that I'm going to die in though. Ya know? I definitely don't want it to be. I feel the journey doesn't stop here....it's just that tag base you go back to every once in a while.

Ok, so seriously....overexposure.

I'm staying with Mike right now and he has a clear shower curtain in his bathroom.

I don't know if you've ever taken a shower with a clear curtain but it feels so open.

Like....if you close your eyes you might think for a minute that the whole world is watching you.

It's kind of awkward.

I don't know....but it's still like you don't want to ever leave the confines of that great open space.

The water keeps running and you're just like, "No. I am not getting out of this. I could stand here all day."

I thought about other showers I've been in. The different types of shampoos, soaps and conditioners I've used. Each little shower space has it's own identity.

It's own scrubbing away of certain things from certain situations in certain places.

I feel open in this town.

I feel like I can talk to pretty much anyone.

I feel like I can run into someone I know everywhere I go.

And it often does happen.

It's a place where people can be comfortable in laziness together.

But it's more of like a "I'm a free artist" lazy rather than a "I just don't do anything, I'm a couch potato" type of lazy.

Do you get what I mean?

People are creating things here. People are chasing dreams even if they have to leave here to do it.

I thought about how the season changes are good for my writing.

Here, you can get lost in the beach breeze no matter how far you are from its shores.

You can catch a whiff of it in the humid air if you breathe deep enough.


My writing in the north was very rigid.

It had some sort of order to it so that words would flow together right.

I would struggle for things to make sense.

Here, in Florida, words dance across notebook pages and they pair up with whatever word they choose whether it makes sense or not.

The cowgirl falls in love with the scuba diver.

Here my poetry is usually about lack of motivation or sunsets.

And boy are they beautiful here.

:)

But yes.

For me Florida is the land of free and open and sometimes it's hard to deal with and it gets dramatic because no matter how hard you try to just be that laid back chill person, since you're so open your business tends to fly around like wild flames in this place. Then you lose it. Human ego still has the ability to fall into intense overemotions.

And that part sucks.

But it's not really a place of grudges.

People seem to get over things quicker here.

Somehow.

So more of the moment of clarity:

I was thinking about how Ryan called me a hobo because I roll my cigarettes now.

It's a little economic trick I picked up in Port Huron.

"Why?" I asked. "Because I'm poor?"

"Because you roll your own cigarettes....and you look like a hobo."

I laughed.

I don't know what a hobo is supposed to look like but I automatically pictured the typical, bundle attached to a stick over the shoulder, dirty patched up jacket hobo we see in pictures.

Maybe they have clown faces.

You know?

So....I thought about hobos, gypsys and then to my surprise I started to think about Jesus.

Seriously.

The Christ.

"Jesus could have been a hobo...."

Then it dawned on me.

Jesus....was a beach bum.

That's what Hudson was making me feel like.

A total beach bum.

And I thought it would be cool to truly live on the beach for like a year and BE a beach bum for real.

I pictured Jesus sitting on a beach.

Maybe a beach like Hudson beach who knows?

Talking to his friends.

His homies.

His peeps.

But he wasn't just conversing. He was connecting.

There is definitely a difference.

I'm sure you've all had this experience.

Those conversations that just suck you in and they're usually conversations you never forget.

Even if you never see the person you were talking with again you remember them.

So Jesus is talking with his friends and of course the subject of religion comes up.

Maybe more than that though.

Philosophy.

Poetry.

He started talking about what he felt was wrong.

What he felt was right.

And people listened and gave their similar opinions.

They all decide to rise up and then their leader is killed.

He was actually "raising up" the love frequency vibe.

It exists whether we choose to or not, think about it.

It's the one thing we humans never stop searching for and never stop seeing it even in the most mundane of situations.

I feel it's the reason we're here.

So, Jesus and his friends just roamed around the town.

Stayed with people.

Didn't even have permanent addresses.

Just wandering around talking about stuff.

Eating different foods, experiencing different types of personalities and cultures.

Sounds pretty cool huh?

Especially when you remove all of the technicalities and "things up for discussion or controversy".

So yeah.

Jennifer Neal: Pro Beach Bum

It's got a nice ring to it.

Today is Billy's birthday and people are supposed to come visit and chill.

It will be fun I'm sure.

Last night we had a bit of a Nintendo party and it was nice to see Robert and Carinna.

I hope Ryan's migraine is better today.

And I hope this crazy cold of mine doesn't last too much longer.

I am enjoying every day immensely though and it's all in the name of love and chill.

So have a Soothing Sunday today folks.

Hell, if you're in the Tampa Bay area, get off of your lazy beach bums and go to the beach.

;)

Peace out homies.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Colds suck

You know what sucks MORE than that?

The fact that I just came from Michigan....I was around people who had colds and I didn't catch anything.

Then I somehow catch one either from the plane rides or from drastic climate change or whatever.

Is it really November?

Why am I wearing shorts?

*shakes head sadly*

Well, I'm back in the southern parts and haven't really done all that much nor have I really had time to let it all sink in due to coughing fits that sound like demons are trying to jump out of my chest and this feeling like my head is full of snot.

It's day 3 and it feels better than day 1 and 2 but it still SUCKS :(

My weak immune system always takes forever to get rid of what most people can shake in a day.

Fluids, (I've developed an addiction to apple juice), chicken soup, bananas and these "delicious chocolatey bars" (as Dave calls them) have been filling me up though.

I've been banned from my Grandpa's house lol

How crazy is that?

I understand though. The old man doesn't need to get sick from this crap after all the other crap he's been dealing with.

It's Thursday....that means tomorrow it better be all gone so people won't be afraid to come visit me. ;)

I wish I could say I've been doing something exciting but I really haven't.

I've read a little.

Today I feel like writing which is why I'm even blogging.

I've been listening to music.

Last night Mike and I had a New Found Glory singalong.

We showed Dave Josh Groban and it was crazy because Dave was listening to Edith Piaf and that's who Ken said I should check out.

He said to read her autobiography and that I reminded him of her.

So it was like a reminder from Dave to check her out.

I really want to watch Heavenly Creatures.

I miss my crazy girls.

I tried to find it to pack it in Michigan and it was GONE!!!

Who would do such a thing?

I don't know if it just got misplaced or taken accidentally or if someone watched it and didn't put it where I had it....blah blah blah

I'm sad though :(

It's my favorite movie ever.

Ok, so Florida friends....hopefully I see a good majority of you this weekend.

If not, there will be plenty of weekends I'm sure.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is coming up.

Woah.

Oh, and more importantly, New Moon is coming out on the 2oth.

Oh yeah.

Meghan says there's a midnight showing on the 19th..hmm....

we shall see.

I have to get my Twi-fans congregated or something.

Well, this is boring now.

I think I want another banana....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gettin' all nostalgic

Let's face it....

Every once in awhile you get the urge to look at some old photos....

listen to some music you haven't listened to in a long time....

check out old videos on your youtube account...whatever.

Your mind starts wandering back to the times, the places, the people that were at such and such an event in your lifetime.

You think about the loves, the hugs, the drugs.

The laughs, the haps and even the craps.

I'm a "mid-twenty year old".

What I can say so far about being a "mid-twenty year old" is that it seems to be the time in life when you transition between the "I just got out on my own" and "Man, it'd be nice to settle down somewhere."

The time when your friends become honorary family members if even for just a short while.

The time when it seems to be about community effort and "I'd go out but I'm broke" doesn't matter because you learn it's cheaper to party at home anyway. And someone's always "covering" you.

I was watching some old videos and some of them have people in them that I might not talk to anymore for whatever reason.

I don't look back on that and think anything other than "man, that was a good time."

I think that's what it's all about.

When you're in my position you can't do much more than try to have a good time wherever you're at.

I don't necessarily think you have to even be in my position to think that way.

I can remember living paycheck to paycheck....choosing between cigarettes or dinner....wondering what's next etc. etc.

But was I having a good time?

You betcha.

As we grow up we grow apart.

Whether it's miles, a dramatic event or different life choices and paths....

it happens to the best of friends.

But the one thing we can hold onto is our memories of the good times.

Is the party ever really over?

It doesn't have to be.

I don't think things like responsibilities should limit our abilities to stay connected to those we love and definitely not in our ability to enjoy life no matter what the case may be.

I don't think DISabilities should get in the way either.

Think about the last time you laughed.

Think about the last time you had fun.

Has it been awhile?

And why is that?

Do you hate your job? Do you hate where you live? Are you going to "achieve this" once you "get this"? Or "once this is over" or whatever?

What's wrong with right now?

If it's something you can change or fix why aren't you?

And if it's something you can't how are you handling it?

Truth be told: we all have shit to deal with.

For some, it's really stupid shit.

For others, it's big shit.

And yes sometimes we choose to deal with OTHER people's shit.

Well...shit....

Are you alive?

Are you doing what you want to do every single day and enjoying it?

If not....stop doing that which is making you unhappy.

Stop dealing with the shit that you don't have to.

We tend to put more on our plates than necessary.

We tend to let others dictate what's best for us and what we should do because as much as we like to say we don't....we do care what they think.

And we need to stop that.

At the end of the day, the only person you can truly make happy with whatever it is you're doing is you.

The only person you should ever really want to make happy is you.

If you keep trying and trying to change another's point of view or mood and it's not working then guess what?

Stop it.

Acceptance.

Accept that you can't change some things and focus on the things that you can.

Stop (and this is very important for me) feeling guilty for being happy.

Don't be afraid to stand up and say to anyone....I don't care who they are: "Hey man....I'm happy. Just let me be, ok?"

No, that is not too much to ask for.

If they're really worth it....they'll step aside.

More often than not, if they're not worth it, they'll stand in your way.

Your life as you know it right now may not always be that way.

Your life may be over sooner than you expect it to be.

If you think your life is awesome....keep it up.

If you think your life sucks....find ways to make it not suck.

Sounds simple.

But we all know it's not.

Be happy for what you have.

Be thankful for the little things that you might not even consider to be luxuries.

Know that EVERYTHING is a luxury.

EVERYTHING is something to be thankful for.

Because you never know when it might go away.

And we all know the "don't know what you got till it's gone" feeling....and it sucks.

So appreciate it.

Appreciate your life and the people in it.

Don't take ANYTHING for granted.

Have a good time.

Always.

And film it.

Because there's nothing like looking back someday and laughing your ass off.

At least that's my experience.

But mine is the only one that's going to matter in the end.

And yours is the only one that truly should matter to you.

And if we ever merged experiences or will in the future....

I'm sure it was and will be a good time....

That's how I want to remember it anyway.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm Pretty Proud of Myself

Today, I did something pretty remarkable.

See, throughout life I've had this bad habit of blowing up and freaking out when things start to look like they may not work out.

Usually during these moments I end up saying something really stupid and having to apologize later for it.

I had a little test today.

And I only "half lost" it.

My mom and Grandpa kind of jumped the gun and booked Mike's ticket to fly here before considering how much a truck would be.

Turns out no one will rent one for less than a thousand bucks.

My Grandpa can't afford that right now so suggested that I fly back if I wanted to and that he would just get a moving truck next month to get my stuff back.

That was all fine and cool except I don't know how a plane ride is going to affect my seizures. I don't need to be freaking out or getting confused on a plane all alone.

So I wasn't sure how all of it was going to play out.

It was looking like the whole trip would get botched and I'd just have to wait longer.

Possibly even having to wait until after winter because it was going to be nerve wracking enough on Mike driving a truck that far. He's never done it before and he's never driven on ice or snow before so that would probably not have been the safest thing.

Well, I did freak out for a minute on my mother and things were brought up from the past when I was tripping out on Topamax.

All of what happened during that time is so unclear in my mind and like most families, there is drama in mine and I try to stay out of it but things tend to come up during tense moments.

Well....instead of flipping out further on my mom and causing a big hooplah I just calmed down, dried my eyes, and just focused on breathing and that everything would be ok.

No matter what happened everything would be ok.

An hour later my mother calls me and tells me that Mike and I are both going to fly out on Monday and then my Grandpa will get a moving truck to get my stuff later on.

I wanted to make sure it was cool with my aunt and uncle to leave my stuff there and was kind of worried that I hadn't cleared it first.

Well, I called Uncle Dennis and he said it was all ok and that Grandpa had already talked to them about it. Why my mother didn't just tell me that, I don't know haha But....it was just another one of those examples where things get all crazy and miscommunicated.

And instead of getting all crazy it all worked out.

My issue with everything during times like this is how I feel so useless and helpless at times.

I want to help and I want to make things right and not have to rely on others but in the past I have seriously hurt myself from pushing myself so hard.

I mean....I've been told by doctors to avoid the simplest things like bending.

I've popped cysts from overdoing it and the more I do that the bigger they will get.

So I just need to relax and know that people are helping me because they want to.

I'm not burdening anyone and just need to keep reminding myself of that.

My Uncle is constantly telling me: "Don't worry about the little shit. You have SO much more to be worried about."

And I try to listen and I try to take it all in and be cool.

And things always work out better.

So....I guess even though I did lose it a little bit I didn't go over the edge and I'm not sitting here feeling guilty for the situation I'm in.

That's seriously been the hardest part.

I used to just "get things done" ya know?

Do it all alone if I had to.

And now that I always need help and will pretty much need it for the rest of my life....it's taken some adjusting.

And I'm still adjusting.

And I won't lie.

As much as I want to be close to Mike, it will still be sad to leave everyone here.

I love my family and I love Mike and my friends in Florida too.

I wish there was a way to put everyone on the same block but life doesn't work that way.

I'm glad I came though.

And all I can do is hope I make it back someday.

And to keep in touch.

I think it's important and it's something that most people tend to forget about when someone moves away.

I got a call from my friend in Kentucky today.

As soon as I saw his name on the caller ID I was like "Woah...how did I forget about him?"

I guess he called a month ago during a seizure and was still waiting for my call back.

*sigh*

It's sad that I can't remember things like I used to.

But I will just have to set more alarms for myself lol

And write notes to myself and have others help me remember.

But the one thing I will never forget no matter what....is who loves me and who cares about me...and how much people have helped me get through all of this stuff.

I may not ever be able to repay them or thank them enough.

But just letting them know how much it all means to me is the best I can do.

So, we'll see what happens.

We'll see where life takes me next.

And if I just keep remembering to stay in the love....I'll make it just fine.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Life Sucks Without a Blog

So, I used to have this blog.

And it used to be read by a few people and sometimes random strangers.

It wasn't really about anything really.

Just my view of the world and the events taking place around me.

It even had its own domain name and everything.

Well, it died.

A lot of what was in that blog died as well.

A new blogger was born so to speak.



I'm only 26....but I've dealt with and am still dealing with a lot of stuff that most people don't think about.

I think about things most people don't think about.

But I'm not that much different from you really.

We just have different dealings to deal with.

It may not look like it but I'm a pretty upbeat person.

I have this who realistic optimism thing going on most of the time.

Some days my blog posts may make you laugh.

Some days they might make your cry.

Most days though, they'll just make you go "What the fuck?!"

And maybe that's the point.

:)

How many times a day do you look around and say "What the fuck?!"

Maybe by reading this blog you may have one more thing to add to the WTF List.




But anyways....so yeah, I'm 26.

I was born in Detroit, MI.

I lived there until I was 13 then I moved to Springhill, FL with my family which consists of my my mother, my father, two sisters-Sherry (23) and Lisa (12) and a brother named Brian who just turned 16 on Friday.

I lived all around Florida.

The Tampa Bay area mostly and even a small stint in Orlando.

Life was going along alright.

I got to work in so many different jobs and meet so many interesting people and before I knew it I had a ton of friends and acquaintances.

I was writing for money.

I was dating different boys constantly.

I had a pretty cool social life and always managed to get out of rough spots somehow, some way.

A week after I turned 25, my life changed and pretty drastically.

Did you know there is a genetic disease out there that is the most common one and affects more people than Down Syndrome, cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia and few others I think combined?

And the weird thing about it is that not many people have heard of it.

It's called Polycystic Kidney Disease. PKD for short.

What happens is you get cysts on your kidneys and over time they can multiply and usually lead to end stage renal disease.

That means your kidneys stop working.

That means you have two options: go on Dialysis, which is basically a machine that does what your kidneys can't do for you anymore or get a new kidney.

Both of those things sound easy but I'm sure you don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that it's probably not fun....nor easy.

I was diagnosed with PKD when I was around 7. I was told I wouldn't have any issues until I was old like Grandpa. (He had a transplant back in '92 and is still kickin' to this day.)

That was probably the biggest lie I had ever been told.

I started having kidney infections pretty frequently starting at age 23 and then I had one a week after I turned 25 and the pain just didn't go away.

It took me a whole year but I finally got some answers from nephrologists (those are doctors who specialize in kidney diseases). PKD can cause pain due to cysts or just the fact that they enlarge your kidneys.

PKD was now in the driver seat.

My kidneys were just way too big for my tiny body.

And I also had high blood pressure and would need to start taking blood pressure medication.

I figured I could deal.

Then things just started to become harder and harder.

It took me about 3 months to recover completely from that kidney infection because it spread all over me.

I was getting tired.

I was constantly in pain.

I did my best to just keep on going.

Then on Christmas Day of last year I had a seizure.

After two extended hospital visits the doctors concluded that I had a condition known as migralepsy.

Seizures caused by migraine.

Did you know that a migraine is not a headache?

It's actually a neurological disorder that can mimic other things like schitzophrenia or even a stroke.

(Oh yeah...I had a minor stroke too....they aren't really sure when but it was found in January of this year.)

With my doctors help I made the decision to stop working and apply for disability.

My seizures were pretty controlled after the doctors put me on Topamax.

But then when I had another cyst infection that put me in even worse pain than I was then my seizures for whatever reason increased and became more violent.

The doctors upped my Topamax, from just 25 mg to 50 mg and I had a terrible reaction.

I didn't know what was going on for four days and did a lot of "not characteristic of me" things before realizing that it must be the drug.

The doctor ordered me to stop it immediately and then I suffered froom the withdrawals from it for the next week and a half.

My brain had to wire itself back together and I really didn't think I was going to make it.

If it weren't for some of my friends and especially Michael (more on him later) I think I would have died.

But I made it and since I had nowhere to go really since I literally lost everything, my Uncle Dennis and Aunt Donna moved me back to Michigan. Port Huron, actually....about 45 minutes from Detroit where I grew up.

So I've been here for about 4 months and it's been awesome to hang with my family and also to adjust to my new situation.

I deal with my migraines/seizures/kidney pain the best I can.

Most days are pretty good even if I do feel like a 62 year old.

I can't walk for very long....can't stand for too long without getting dizzy and am pretty weak and have trouble even bending just a little.

Some days are bad. Sometimes the migraines make me pretty loopy, kinda like I'm Alice in Wonderland. (Did you know that Lewis Carroll was thought to be a migraine sufferer? Believe me, it makes sense to me.) Sometimes I have kidney stones or just general cyst pain or hematuria which is blood in your urine.

Aside from all that though....I still feel like there is a twenty something female in here who likes to read, write, sing, be happy and do lots of things even if I am limited in what I can do now.

That's the whole purpose of this blog.

To let you know how I feel about things.

Because I can. ;)

My boyfriend, Michael, will be flying here from Hudson, Fl on November 5th and will be driving me back to Florida.

My Uncle Bob who lived in Florida with my Grandpa passed away suddenly and Grandpa offered me a place to stay.

As much as I love this state and the people in it....I don't want to waste another minute being away from Mike because he truly is the love of my life.

Mike and I went to the same high school and dated when we were 19-20.

Because we were both young and dumb it didn't last but lo and behold....my tripped out Topamaxed mind led me to his doorstep and he helped me through it and did so much for me I don't think there is another person in this world who would have done it.

Through all of that we got closer again. We had started hanging out again earlier that year and I always knew Mike was a good person and someone I could count on as a friend. Next thing I knew we realized we never really lost the love we had for each other and became a couple again.

It was hard.

I had to leave him right after I got him back because of circumstances.

But I'll be returning to the land of too much humidity for him.

Eventually he wants to move north and I'm sure we'll do it.

The economy is just bad and it's hard for people in any field to find jobs these days.

Mike does computer stuff.

Software stuff.

Please don't ask me to explain because I really coudln't.

But he's good at what he does and loves it.

And I support him in it even if I don't understand all of the jargon.

So, I'm excited.

My family here will get to meet the man of my dreams and I will be closer to him.

He really helps me out on my bad days because he seriously is the calmest person I've ever met in my life.

I'm a Gemini so I can be crazy and all over the place sometimes but Mike keeps me grounded.

Mike doesn't mind that I'm not the healthiest person alive and that I have a lot of limits.

He loves me for who I am and accepts that my situation is not the best and that it may get worse.

As we speak, my kidney function is at 100%. I am thankful for that every day.

I am not the only person in my family affected by PKD.

We all are on my mom's side really.

My little brother just had to start taking BP meds.

My mother's kidneys are already slightly declining in function and my sister Sherry has some cysts but no issues yet.

My Uncle Dave passed away from complications due to PKD.

My other two Uncles Bill and Bob passed away from heart attacks.

Heart disease is in my genes as well and PKD-ers have a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and brain aneurisms.

My Grandmother passed away from kidney failure due to Diabetes and her sister, my Great Aunt Ginger, passed away from a brain aneurism and she didn't have PKD.

The numbers do not look good for me....but who knows? I'm already a walking miracle I think.

My kidneys look awful and cause me issues but are still working awesomely.

I think that's pretty darn miraculous, don't you?

That's the weird thing with PKD.

Not everyone feels the same effects.

I'm the only one with it in my family who suffers from pain.

My Uncle Dave did before he had one of his removed but he passed shortly afterwards.

I hope the others don't ever have to feel pain.

It's not fun...not at all.

Since PKD is often inherited everyone with PKD has a 50/50 chance of passing it on to their offspring.

I have already decided that having children is not the best thing for me and I also wouldn't want to pass this on so that was something else I had to accept and deal with since I've always wanted children someday and have loved working with them.

But I'm lucky to just have had the experience of working with so many different age groups for like seven years.

(Ever have an entire summer full of 13 two year olds? Try it sometime. I don't know how I survived either, haha)

Alright, medical history aside.

I like to have fun.

I like to think.

I like to do what I want to do while I still have time here on this Earth.

I'm Native American.

I smoke cigarettes. (Yeah, I know.)

I occasionally drink. (Yeah, I know....)

And I also fully support legalizing marijuana especially for medical purposes.

When I smoke it I have less seizures, less pain and I actually eat like a normal person.

(My big kidneys cause a lot of nausea and most days it hurts to eat. I also get full very fast.)

So, argue it all you want....it's a plant and it's my favorite one.

Well, I think that was a pretty good introduction to my blog.

You'll see where it goes from here as will I.

Right now I'm sitting at my cousin Sharon's apartment in Romeo.

She lives here with her boyfriend Ronnie.

Sharon is playing Halo and Ronnie is on his laptop.

I've been here all week and this is what we've been doing and I gotta tell ya, it's been very awesome and relaxing considering that there was a lot going on over at my Uncle's place because of the funeral for my Uncle Bob and all the memorials planned.

The funeral was on my tribe's res in Wisconsin and it was awesome to visit there even if the circumstances weren't the best.

There will be a feast here in MI on the 7th so that will be like the last big get together before I leave for Florida.

It's going to be hard to say goodbye but I truly hope I will be moving back here soon. Mike wants to....it's just going to take time.

How was everyone's Halloween?

I just played Bejeweled Blitz and am drinking a few Bud Lights.

I was kind of sad because this was the first year it was Halloween and I really wasn't into it.

It used to be my favorite holiday.

Sheesh, maybe I really HAVE become a 62 year old! haha

Alright, I think I've typed enough.

Stay tuned for more random thoughts from Jenn-World.

I can be pretty intriguing sometimes.....I think so anyway.

Don't forget to set your clocks back!

P.S.- I also help raise money and raise awareness about PKD for the PKD Foundation. My family here in Michigan helped me raise over one thousand dollars for the Detroit Walk for PKD that happened last month. For more information please visit www.pkdcure.org